Beyond “he” and “she” : Understanding pronouns

Shivani Kava, Mar 24, 2022, 11:27 AM IST

It’s all too easy to overlook the role of language in a person’s gender identity and expression. In most languages, gender is ascribed to names, pronouns, and even the words we use. This is an either/or situation. Whether you want to be masculine or feminine is a personal choice. We learn grammar as children, believing that everything must fit into boxes. It is critical to learn and unlearn the laws of a language, specifically pronouns for the LGBTQ+ population, if we are to truly assure gender equality.

Have you ever had a nickname given to you? Is it possible that your name was mispronounced? Sometimes we like nicknames, and sometimes we don’t. What if you were addressed with a salutation that was the polar opposite of your gender? Like being addressed as ma’am when you clearly prefer to be addressed as sir? Or is it the other way around? Isn’t that bad? That’s how individuals feel when they’re addressed with the incorrect pronoun, or as I like to call it when they’re ‘mispronounced.’

Pronouns exist in a variety of shapes and sizes. They’re linguistic terms for persons like they/them/theirs, she/her/hers, he/him/his, or even zie/zir/zirs. The pronouns we choose to refer to and honour someone is important. Before meeting someone, you don’t need to know their gender identity or pronouns. Instead, follow these guidelines to ensure that every conversation is inclusive and respectful:

Use your name and pronouns to introduce yourself. Partially conjugate the pronouns you use in introductions, such as “Hello, my name is Shivani Kava, and I use the pronouns she/her/hers.”

• Do not force someone to share pronouns during an introduction.
• Avoid saying “I use female pronouns” or “I use male pronouns”
• Do not make jokes or say things like “Obviously, I use he/him/his pronouns.”
• Remember that understanding someone’s pronouns does not reveal anything about their identity; rather, it reveals how they like to be addressed.
• Practice! It’s fine to be apprehensive about trying something new. Discomfort is reduced with practise.

When people are new to using a wider range of pronouns, they are most concerned about making a mistake. The fear of making a mistake is another common reason for not even trying. While making a mistake with someone’s pronouns is not always acceptable, it is understandable.

If you find yourself using the incorrect pronoun, simply stop speaking, correct yourself, apologise to the other person, and resume the conversation. Even if the individual isn’t there and you use the incorrect pronoun, you should still stop and correct yourself. Always remember that practise makes perfect, especially when learning gender-neutral pronouns.